Adults Only

I am both young, and small. I stand at barely 5'2", and I have been told that I have a "youthful appearance". While I may appreciate this when I hit middle age, at 20, it is quite the inconvenience. There is nothing enjoyable about feeling like a child compared to the other people I work with. Even when I find myself in the company of friends, I feel the weight of my youth on my shoulders. In the last year, I have felt more hindered by my age than ever before. I have literally been unable to participate in events, investigations or other opportunities because I was under 21, though I am happy to say soon this will no longer be an issue. But, this burden is much more than legal restrictions. Because of my age, I often question whether or not  it is appropriate for me to do many things, I do not yet feel established enough or worthy of many of the dreams I have. I am constantly seeking the keys to adulthood, something I  feel I have not yet earned. Every day, I carefully consider my actions, and whether or not they serve the purpose of making me an adult. I am sure, that these concerns live for the most part within my own head, and that the feelings I experience of immaturity, unworthiness, and discomfort, are more the product of my own over anxious mind than the result of the treatment I receive from those I encounter. But, I have found myself in situations where I, and my work were belittled because of my age. For example, as I mentioned in previous blogs, I started seriously working in this field at the age of eighteen.Shortly after joining a local team, I attended a Chip Coffey event in Portland, I was ecstatic about the opportunity to meet other local investigators. But I was disappointed to be met by people more interested in a pissing match rather than genuine conversation. There, I met "Bob", yeah lets go with Bob, a middle aged investigator from Oregon. Bob rattled off some impressive stats about his team, claiming they processed dozens of cases each year, and that they had expanded all over the state. When I shared with him my own experience, he responded with something along the lines of "That's nice, Kid" followed by a condescending pat on my shoulder. While that was my first encounter of that sort, it certainly wasn't my last.

Over the years, I have struggled most with trying to make others comfortable with my age either by attempting to never make them feel the age difference , or by weak attempts of humor to mask how uncomfortable I often feel. I have spent far too much time trying to win the approval of others, and too little on trying to work on myself. I let my age became my weak spot, and I have recently realized how ridiculous this can be. I can no longer give others that kind of power over me, and I have to own the fact that I am more often than not the youngest person in the room. While, I may not have as many years under my belt, or have been through the same life experiences others have, I still consider myself both relevant and knowledgeable. I have to let go of my concerns, and put myself out there so others can realize that even at 20, I have a lot to offer this field. Most importantly, I have to realize that myself.